One day, when I was very young, I was upstairs playing in my room when I heard my mother’s car drive off. She was heading out on a shopping trip. I ran downstairs and shouted out for her to Wait up! but she was already gone.
I burst into tears.
My father heard me wailing and came downstairs. But no matter what he said or what he did, he could not console me. I stood at the door and cried and cried and cried. It is one of my earliest memories, and the first time I recall feeling such utter anguish. Not because I’d been left behind.
Because I couldn’t tell him why I was so distraught.
It was mid-April, coming up on my father’s birthday. On this particular shopping trip, my mother was going to buy him a present. I’d planned to go with her to help pick it out. (I later learned that she had no idea I’d meant to come along.) And now here I was, sitting in a puddle of misery, my father trying to make it better, me not able to tell him what was wrong.
Of course I could have told him, and he would have told me everything was okay, and it would have been. But in my toddler mind, all I knew was that birthdays were a secret, and if I said anything it would spoil the surprise.
Up until that moment, I imagine everything about my little world had been completely transparent. Suddenly, it wasn’t. It was my first experience of feeling something and thinking I couldn’t tell anyone what it was. My first experience, in other words, of feeling imprisoned by a secret.
It made me feel, I now realize, alone.
Secrets can do that to you — make you feel all alone, isolated in a strange and dark world that doesn’t care, or doesn’t even know you’re there. It gets scary out there, when you’re all alone.
I’m not saying secrets are inherently bad. Sometimes they’re necessary, even vital. Passwords aren’t the only personal information it makes sense not to share with the world at large. We wrap our thoughts, opinions, and inner dialogue inside a skin of discretion for the same reason we hold our blood and viscera inside: so it doesn’t all spill out over everyone.
Sometimes secrets are great fun. One year, I managed to plan a surprise birthday party for my wife, Ana, even covertly flying in two of her friends from other parts of the country and sequestering them in a local hotel, without her knowing about any of it until the moment she walked in the door of the restaurant where they were already sitting at our table. I have no idea how I pulled that off, but man, it was worth it.
You can’t have a surprise, without it being first wrapped in a secret.
The world is always springing surprises on me — and on you too, no doubt — and where would be the fun if we knew about it all ahead of time?
So no, it’s not that having secrets is terrible. It’s that life can feel so terribly lonely when you think you have to hide who you are.
And it is so wonderfully delicious when you don’t.
One of my greatest joys in my marriage with Ana has been the discovery that when I share with her things about myself I consider deficits — weaknesses, doubts, the things I’ve done that I’m not proud of — it makes her love me more, not less. It’s an amazing thing, having a person in my life from whom I have no secrets whatsoever, someone who knows me, in some ways, better than I know myself. The less I hide, the better it gets.
And I don’t think that’s only true in marriages
I once heard a piece of public speaking advice that so struck me in its awfulness it stayed with me, and eventually found its way onto the pages of The Go-Giver Leader:
“Years ago,” said Aunt Elle, “when I was in a position where I was often called upon to speak before large audiences, my father gave me some advice. ‘Elle,’ he said, ‘never let ’em see you sweat. If people sense you’re not in control, they’ll eat you for lunch. When you get up there to give your talk, it’s all right to be nervous—just don’t let it show.’”
Aunt Elle let out a brief, dismissive snort.
“Usually my father’s advice was brilliant. In this instance, it was abysmal.”
After doing her best to follow her father’s abysmal advice, giving a terrible talk and feeling awful about it for days afterward, Aunt Elle took a different tack:
“I vowed never again to pretend to be someone I was not. And that was a vow I kept.
“The next time I spoke before a group, my nervousness was even greater—and I told them so. ‘I just want you all to know, I am petrified’ was my opening line. ‘I hope you enjoy the next forty-five minutes. Myself, I’ll be closing my eyes—let me know when it’s over.’
“Everyone in the hall laughed. And you know, I could feel the audience rooting for me, reaching out to help me feel at ease. Instead of being merely the audience, they became my partners.”
People want to be seen and heard, to be known, for who they are.
It’s interesting to note how many crimes are solved solely because the perpetrator — who up to that point has completely gotten away with it, in total secrecy — feels compelled to tell someone: a girlfriend, a drinking buddy, a cellmate.
Perhaps we’re all like that. Our lives are something we could completely get away with, in total secrecy. But we feel compelled to tell someone.
And how much sweeter that life is when we do.
It’s true that it can be scary to reveal your true self, but what other choice does anyone have? Not one relationship or achievement would be valid. I think it takes years, though, to have the guts to be the real you. I love your statement about Ana loving you more when you reveal your weaknesses and doubts. That is a mature relationship. All women wish men would figure that out sooner.
Hey, by the way, the next time you try a surprise party like that, can I be one of the guests? Chuck did that for me with my brother and his family and it was a blast! I’d love to surprise Ana.
Thanks, Bev — always love seeing you here! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pull off something quite so fantastically clandestine again … but if I do, you’re at the top of the list!