Instructions in Unctuous Condescension

May 16, 2007

I recently received this e-mail from amy good friend Scott Ohlgren. First few paragraphs in, I had to go back and re-read carefully to make sure it was a joke. By the time I reached the end I was LOL, as they say. ROTF, in fact. LMAO. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. (And BTW, the photo above is not of Scott.)

I’m excited. You may wonder what has me so thrilled.

Well, I’ll tell you, and here’s why. . .

Reason one, I’ve just learned that the normal writing styles of communication are old and dusty and not effective! That’s right: NOT EFFECTIVE!

Intrigued? Want to hear more? If you’re smart, you sure should be!

Before I go further, though, let me ask you a question: have you ever wondered if your writing style is HOLDING YOU BACK from being all you can be?

Of course you have. Only dummies not interested in wealth wouldn’t have asked themselves that question at some point in their lives.

So what is the new style of writing? Do you want to know? What if I was to tell you that this new style of writing is worth MILLIONS of dollars?

Let me explain . . .

The new style is all about:

1. Presumptuousness. Tell the reader how they feel. Ask questions you assume the reader would ask along the way, like, “Doesn’t that make sense?” The more presuming you can do regarding what the reader feels and thinks in every sentence, the better. And that brings me to reason number two . . .

2. Fake Phrasing. By placing most sentences in new paragraphs, you can weight each thought as though it were important, instead of inauthentic and manipulative communication.

You may be thinking right about now, “That’s enough, those two points!” But nope, there’s more . . .

3. Ellipses Everywhere. Heavy use of ellipses forces the reader to think, “Dang, I should pause here and think hard about that last pearl.”

4. Unctuous Condescension. This is a tough one to describe, and fortunately it’s a tough one for the reader to pick up, but whenever possible, phrase sentences in a excessively flattering or patronizing manner.

Look . . . Now can you see why I’m so excited? Given your intelligence, I’m sure you can. Think about it . . . in fact, I’m so sure you can see why I’m excited, I’m going to send you a Free Report, yours to keep, called “Emails and Websites that Grate On Your Nerves!” Expect it in the mail soon!!

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